


AU in which Simon Is an Idiot

by snowkatze



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, after christmas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-13
Updated: 2017-06-13
Packaged: 2018-11-13 18:12:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11190570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowkatze/pseuds/snowkatze
Summary: Simon doesn’t spend his christmas with Baz, but with Agatha. Here is what happens when they reunite.





	AU in which Simon Is an Idiot

Simon spent his christmas with Agatha. It was new years' eve. Today Baz was going to see him again. He was trying to calm himself. How was he going to endure that?

Now that there was more than imagining and pining. Now that there was a real memory. How could he keep pretending?

Maybe Snow had told everything to Agatha and Penny. They had probably laughed about him.

Baz clenched his fingers into a fist. No. He was good at hiding his feelings. He had been for three years now. He would just act like nothing had happend. And if Simon said something – dared to even pity him – he'd just pretend Simon was going crazy. Maybe he would trick Simon into believing it had all just been a dream.

A nightmare, probably. Though Baz didn't regret one second, the pain seemed to have increased since then. When he closed his eyes he could still see Simon standing there in the fire.

_This is what I get_ , he thought.  _And I probably deserve it._

Soon enough, Simon would finally end his bitter existence. Their truce would end, Simon would be with Agatha, Baz would let Simon kill him. It was just his destiny. How could Baz have been so foolish to believe he could ever sidestep his destiny?

After all, he could be lucky at least to be Simons nemisis and not just some side character in his heroic story. At least he had been granted those years with Simon as his room mate.

They could never be friends or even more than that. Simon had Agatha. Baz had his self pity. That was just how the story went.

Baz had put on his best pair of jeans just to spite him. He didn't fool himself into thinking his appearance had any effect on Simon but he still liked the concept.

This time they had agreed to meet in a café in the city. Baz knew that meant that they didn't trust him enough to come to his home again.

_I don't need their friendship._

_I don't need Simon and his stupid moles and eyes and certainly not his breath taking kisses._

_I don't need anyone or anything because this ends. Hopefully soon._

Penny was there and Simon, too.

„Where's Agatha?“ Baz asked.

„Well, she doesn't exactly want to be _involved_ in all of this“, Penny answered.

„But she is involved now, whether she wants to or not. We already told her everything. We can't risk her telling the Mage about this.“

„She's our friend, so we're going to respect her wish.“

Baz wasn't satisfied but he didn't argue. He didn't have any friends. Dev and Niall barely knew him, really, and he didn't have anyone else. For a brief moment he wondered what it would be like to be Simon's and Penny's friend. _Hell,_ he thought. _But in a good way._

They were discussing how to make their next move – paying the numpties a visit, going back to Nicodemus – when Penny suddenly announced that she had to go home.

_She can't to this to me._ Internally Baz panicked but he showed Simon a cool smile. What had happend to his sneering abilities?

„Okay“, Simon started. „So now we can talk about christmas. Let's go outside.“

They started walking in the direction of Baz's house.

„Are you mad at me?“

„No.“

„You didn't even look at me this whole time!“

„Maybe that's just because your face is so disgusting.“

_Nailed it._

„Listen, I'm sorry.“

It felt like stitches to Baz.

„Nothing to be sorry about.“

„It wasn't like that, you know, with me and Agatha.“

„You and Agatha, you're going to have the most _adorable_ children. They really are going to make it big in life. Have you already talked about a wedding date? Well, no need to worry. I'm not going to interfere in your _perfect_ family. You get the girl at the end of the book. And that's just the way it should be.“

„That's not going to happen.“  
„You _chose_ her, Simon, you chose her over me and she'd be a damn fool if she didn't choose you too.“

„Please, Baz, would you just listen for a second-“

„I know we are always pretending. I was pretending I hated you and you were pretending you woudn't have to kill me eventually. But guess what – I'm sick of lying and not voicing things. Agatha and a happy life – that's what you get. And- And I'm okay with that, I love it because I want you to be happy. Fire – that's what I get. And I probably deserve it. So no, we _don't_ need to talk about christmas.“

It didn't go after plan but suddenly Baz felt horribly relieved. All those secrets – for once they weren't secret anymore. Simon finally  _knew._

What was the point, even? They weren't going to find the killer of Baz's mother.

„Why not end it right here?“

„What?“ Simon exclaimed shoked.

„I'm tired, Simon. I'm so, so tired. I've been waiting for you to do that. Just put me finally out of my misery!“

„Baz, are you really- do you really want me to-“

His suicidal thoughts had grown stronger since Simon left him. Maybe after all, it was time to be a good son to his mother.

_Let me burn, Simon. Come on. Do it._

„Don't say you're too much of a coward to kill a man. Please, just this once, don't disappoint me.“

Tears were streaming down Simons face. Real actual tears. That caught Baz off guard.

„Are you crying for me, Simon?“

Baz almost laughed at the irony – Simon Snow, crying, for _him._ But he coudn't endure that. He coudn't see that image. Simon rarely cried. He didn't cry when he fought dragons or the Humdrum but he cried _now._ It broke Baz' heart.

„Don't say things like that ever again,“ Simon whispered. _Easy to say,_ Baz thought. _You have Agatha and a happy ending and I-_ Simon kissed him and Baz coudn't breath, not even think.

„Why did you do that?“

„It worked the last time.“

„Yeah, I know. That's why you kissed me, to save my life. But why? Why do you even care?“

„Because that's not the only reason, okay? I've wanted to kiss you since christmas, no, even longer than that. I don't hate you, Baz, and I don't love Agatha, that much I know. And I care because you're important to me, because I could _never_ kill you. I- I think I'd rather die than kill you. And I've been regretting not jumping out of the car a few days ago and coming back to you. So please, stop thinking like that. Things have changed. You have me now. I'm not going to let you down.“

It took Baz only one single look into Simon's eyes to know that he didn't want to die.

_I'm sorry, mother. I really wanted to give you your wish._

 

_But it's not that easy, is it?_

 


End file.
